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Web Host Melissa Pionzio | The Hartford Courant August 21, 2008

EAST HAMPTON - Divorce can be as painful for men as it is for women, but when East Hampton resident S. Perry Mallory searched for literature that would help him to cope with the end of his own marriage, he found the selection lacking.

"As a man, I couldn't really find anything from a man's perspective," said Mallory, whose divorce became final in 2005. "Mostly, there is a lot for women and children regarding divorce, but very little for men ... the divorce happens to men too. Maybe people don't associate the emotional part for them men."

As a result, Mallory decided to write his own book about divorce -- not as a means to "get back" at his ex-wife -- but to help other men whose marriages have ended in divorce. Titled "The Divorce Manual for Men," the recently published booklet is written like a manual. It is loaded with all kinds of tips on divorce-related issues, such as how to tell the children about the divorce, building communications skills, protecting finances, creating a "contract" with your ex, and staying healthy. "It's not a feel good kind of book," he said. "But I hope it will be helpful."

Ironically, although he believes men have been generalized as nonemotional, one of the messages in Mallory's book is that men stay focused and in control of their emotions, especially in front of the children and the judge.

"When you are fighting about who's going to get the TV, but you could really be focusing on an extra [visiting] day with the kids, that's what you should be focusing on, instead of pushing each other's buttons," he said. "During a divorce, you aren't prepared for what is coming. Men are taught to be nonemotional, so they often express themselves in anger. One of the things I noticed in court, is if you come off angry, you lose all credibility."

About a year after his divorce became final, Mallory discovered that he had a heart condition that required medical attention and time off from his job with the state. It was during that time that he began to research and write the book in earnest. The idea for a manual format, he said, came to him while he was reading a snow-blower manual; the style of the book is similarly no-nonsense.

"It goes back to professionalism," he said of the book's approach to divorce. "Even if your relationship with your soon-to-be ex is really bad, suing her will only make it worse. You need to keep it calm; screaming won't help matters." Mallory already has a second-edition planned, which will include ways in which men can carry out his suggestions. He may rename his book too, he said, to "The Divorce Manual for Dads and Families.

"It's not for women, but by reading it, women may have a better understanding of what men are going through, he said. "I'm hoping when men read this book, that they will make better decisions. Men don't always feel comfortable about talking to people. I hope it provides some information and helps guys calm down, be professional, maintain credibility and hopefully have a good relationship with their kids."

For information on Mallory's book go to www.thedivorcemanualformen.com.